took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
