Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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