After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
