We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
