I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
