I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
