Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Is Oprah even human
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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