can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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