So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
