That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
They have beer where we have blood.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
