Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
