I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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