Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
