i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
