So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
