I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
