I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
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After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
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I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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