if you like me you must not know who I am
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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