I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
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You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
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Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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