Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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