I puked a lego.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Randomize
