the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
