My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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