if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
