She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
