I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
