If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
