remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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