She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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