That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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