y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
