you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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