I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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