My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
