NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
