i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
