So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
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Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
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we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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