when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
