When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
