Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
