Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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