My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
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Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
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My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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