Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I need moral support for this bender
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
