yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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