I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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