grandma shit on top of the toilet
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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