i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
