It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
