Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
