I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
