thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
