party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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