there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
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I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
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Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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