drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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