Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
