im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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